This past year, my 10th grade English class was participating in what I call the “Guest Journal”. All they have to do is find an interesting news article, tell the class about it, and then lead the class in a writing and response exercise. It’s kind of like a news show-and-tell session, if you will. My students love the chance of taking over my class for a few minutes, and I love how it gives my students an opportunity to learn and discuss current events.
On one of these occasions, a female student of mine had brought a more controversial topic to my class when she presented on the Steubenville case, I approved the topic earlier when she told me that she wanted to give an overview of the case before asking the class if they thought the boys’ punishment was fair. So many students before her had handled their articles with such professionalism and neutrality before, that my assumption was that she would too.
But, then she began to tell the students about the case. She talked about how this “irresponsible” girl had had too much to drink, and had “gotten herself raped”, and how these poor young men were going to have to register as sex offenders, which would follow them for the rest of their lives. I was shocked that a young girl could hear of a case like this and sympathize with the attackers. Even more surprising, was the reaction by her peers. One student even raised her hand to ask if the girl had received punishment as well for her reckless behavior—as if being sexually assaulted and exploited was not horrible enough.
For the first time this year, I had to stop the guest journal and address some of the problems occurring in our conversation. First, I had to say that no girl deserves rape under any circumstances. Next, I said that the two young men involved had to register as sex offenders because they are indeed sex offenders. Also, their punishment was light, when considering their callousness in attacking the girl and then publicizing their actions. Finally, I said that our society is flawed in that individuals are so willing to “blame the victim”. We teach girls not to dress provocatively, not to be out late at night, not to antagonize men, or to do anything else that might lead to them “getting themselves raped”. Our society is so accepting of this, that when our young girls hear about a woman being victimized, they are likely to blame the woman. When I finished speaking, I stood up shakily, afraid I had gone too far, when a female student next to me whispered softly, “Well-done Ms. Maguire.”
In that classroom, only a handful of students recognized that there was a problem with how my student was presenting that issue to the class. The rest were completely unaware that her presentation was even biased.
A few months ago, the news was flooded with stories about a young man who launched a furious attack on the women that he felt had rejected him. Instead of telling his story, however, one of my students wanted to discuss how his meltdown led to many women speaking out on the sexual pressures and fear women feel on a daily basis. She brought several articles addressing the hash tag #yesallwomen, and the varying responses to it.
She shared many #yesallwomen posts with the class, and even how several men had responded with #notallmen. Then she prompted the class to write about who they thought had a harder time in our society, men or women. I prepared myself for a debate that I would have to strictly monitor, but many of their answers surprised me.
This was the same class in which a previous student had blamed the Steubenville girl for her assault, and yet, when it was the girls’ turn to share, they felt that all of them could connect with almost every #yesallwomen post they read. The girls talked about how they felt when grown men, the same age as their fathers, would stare at them with undisguised longing. A girl shared how uncomfortable it made her feel when boys would ask for hugs and would hold her far longer than she wanted, but that she felt obligated to endure the unwanted affection for fear of back-lash from her peers. Every girl in the class admitted to feeling afraid of being out at night, of being alone with strange men, and of being raped. But, some of them also admitted that if they were raped, that they would feel that somehow, they had brought it onto themselves.
That is the underlying problem in our society, that not only have we raised our daughters to believe that rape prevention is their responsibility, but that feeling is so ingrained in our children’s minds, that they have internalized it completely.
When it was the boys’ turn to talk about who has a harder time in our society, I was expecting the same deflection of blame that I had seen on the #notallmen posts. But, that is not what happened. Several boys were in support of women and felt that women shouldn’t have to prevent rape on their own.
The boys that did feel that men have a harder time, gave reasons that I had not taken into consideration. One boy said that men have a harder time because in natural disasters, men are expected to save all the women and children first and themselves last. He argued that as humans, it is our instinct to want to survive, and why should men fight that instinct? One young man expressed how much he hated that if a guy wants a girlfriend, he has to put himself out there repeatedly and approach girls that just might laugh at him. Another male student said that he didn’t think it was fair how men are raised to be “men”, meaning that they had to like sports, and be tough, and never cry. As the boys were speaking I could tell that many of the girls wanted to argue that those things still don’t make life harder for men. But, I reminded them that while men don’t feel as afraid as women, it is not easy for anyone to be forced into social roles.
It was during my students’ discussion that I realized that boys and men do feel a great deal of pressure and responsibility. They are right in the sense that our society places unrealistic expectations on men as well as women. But, that is the purpose of the #yesallwomen discussion. It’s not to accuse men who are already feeling the weight of social responsibility, but to change the direction of that responsibility. The message that we ingrain in our boys is that they must never hit a girl, that they can’t cry, and that they must be strong “men”. Our young men feel that responsibility daily.
I believe that we can raise our young men with more possible responsibilities. Instead of telling a young man that he can never cry, perhaps we can help our young men internalize the idea that a girl’s body is her own. We can raise them to believe that if a girl is saying “no”, that that does not deserve retribution. A girl is allowed to say “no”.
I believe this is a possible expectation for men in our society. To cry is human, to rape and abuse is typically learned. I think we can teach our young men that it’s okay to cry and to hate sports, but it is not alright to make women feel as if their bodies are public property.
I know that a lot of people want the #yesallwomen conversation to end because they feel that everything has already been said on the issue. But, then I think of the girls in my class and how they responded to the #yesallwomen posts and realized, gratefully, that they were not alone. I know this conversation must continue until rape is no longer viewed as something that just happens to girls who are not being careful. I think everyone in our society needs to feel responsible for changing our culture of rape.
Yes, all women and all men need to have this discussion for the sake of our children. They are listening.
Vivian Maguire is an English teacher in El Paso, TX. Follow her on Twitter @maguireteacher.
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